I used to study hard just for the sake of passing school exams. I didn’t really care about what I learned, as long as I didn’t have to deal with make up classes and teachers or parents nagging. Sadly, a lot of my friends were also in the same page as I did. There are also some of my classmates that pushed themselves to study only for the sake of high scores. Either way, the motivation of studying was limited to the written results in our report books.
“Right actions done for the wrong reasons do not help to build the internal quality of character called a ‘virtue’, and it is this quality of character that really matters” (Lewis, 1952)
By saying the above quotes, C.S Lewis gives emphasis on the importance of knowing why we do our actions and how it affects us as a person. From the outside, the action itself might already have certain functions and benefits for us or other people. However, there is a great difference in our inner selves when we understand the value of our actions. Understanding what we’re doing will make us do things with more sincerity, which helps us not only for a certain situation but also in the long run, as long as life goes.
By any means, studying hard is a positive action by itself. It is also beneficial to have good scores in order to get into prestigious majors or institutions. However, as time goes by, studying felt more tiring and meaningless. What I studied might have helped me to get a safe score for an exam in the next day, but I forgot most of the materials right away. The knowledge didn’t remain because I couldn’t see the value of studying.
When the time came for me to decide my major, I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I did quite a lot of researches and pondered a lot about why I want to pursue a certain field. When I reached the point of this understanding, the learning experience becomes so much more engaging for me. I value my learning process more, rather than hoping to skip right into the final result. The learning process becomes a part of my lifelong learning experience, instead of something that I want to get rid of as soon as possible.
Am I perfectly satisfied? Well, I still get stressed and exhausted, obviously. There are times when every stroke feels heavy and makes me regret my decision. I find myself imagining what if I choose a major that is actually aligned with what I “learned” throughout school instead. However, after constantly avoiding things, I find that it’s a lot better to regret what you have done than what you haven’t.
What I fear wasn’t new things, but failure. New thing means no experience, so it’s a whole new territory. I am open to new knowledge, but I am very indecisive when it comes to risk-taking. The thought that I might disappoint not only myself but potentially other people in my surroundings makes me feel stressed and anxious.
“He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.” (Marques, 1985)
The quotes beautifully expresses that human, while biologically starts life at birth, go through many things in life that enables them to change themselves over time. Depends on a person’s confidence and opportunities, a person can continually “recreate” themselves, by trying new things that can develop their talents and characters.
This thought seems very idealistic, but it becomes idealistic because of how the society treats failure and how it affects a lot of people growing up. By accepting that change is a part of human nature, it allows us to accept failure as a part of our personal progress in life, rather than treating them as a stain in our paths. Accepting difference in personal progresses as opposed to shaming people because of it will also help us to be more accepting of ourselves. After all, life is too complex to be reduced into success or failure, but instead, it is a progress of constant learning and character developments.
Note
This essay started as an assignment, but I ended up ranting and fell into existential crisis instead.
References
Flaherty, W. O. (2015, November 22). (CCSLQ-13) Right Thing. https://essentialcslewis.com/2015/11/22/ccslq-13-right-thing/
Messerly, J. (2014, April 20). Gabriel Garcia Marquez: On Rebirth. https://reasonandmeaning.com/2014/04/20/1433/
